Angelica: Det var det :) Usch, jag förstår dig - been there, done that (doing it!). Du får försöka fokusera på att det är skönt med egentid och att kunna koncentrera sig på sig själv och sitt liv.. även om det är en klen tröst!

I understand swedish but feel that i need to write this in english so that my words don't get misunderstood. I haven't been following your blog for awhile because I've been moving around and internet connections has been scarce. I've been catching up now and your entries about your relationship with K in particular struck a chord with me.
I'm fully aware that us readers don't have the full picture of your relationship and how things really are between you two. The fact is it shouldn't matter what we or anyone else thinks, it's what you think that matters.
However, the reason your entries did jump out at me is because I went through a similar experience. I was in a relationship with someone for a long time who from your description is very similar to K.
Although I stayed with him as long as I did I was never truly happy because although he showed me he loved me in different ways, something always bothered me. After a hard look at my relationship I realised that his expressions of love for me, although it made me feel good at the time, were in rather superficial ways. Eventually I realised that 'när det kommer till kritan', I didn't feel that he would ever want to sacrifice something that's important to him for my sake. I don't mean him actually doing it, what I missed what that feeling of just KNOWING he loves me so much that he would do anything just to make me happy. In all those years I never felt the security of knowing that I was his no. 1 priority above everything else. To me that's a major part of what it means to love someone wholeheartedly.
Some people just don't know what it really means to love someone else. It could be for a number of reasons that have nothing to do with you (by 'you' I mean in a general sense, not you personally Ellinor), it's just who they are and it doesn't mean he's a bad person. It's important to realise that all this is beyond your control but what you can control are the choices you make. You can choose to accept the fact that you'll never ever really be his top priority, maybe a close second but never his no 1 (a choice that only leads to more heartbreak) or you can choose to tell him how you feel, put your foot down and tell him that he needs to change his priorities and that you respect yourself too much to expect anything less from him. I chose no. 2 and unfortunately in the end we didn't make it. He was unwilling to change and I couldn't accept not being his no 1. Things were REALLY, REALLy tough in the beginning and it went up and down for awhile until it finally got better.
Eventually I even met someone who I am having a long distance relationship with. This is also where I feel your story and mine run parallel. In my case despite the distance and him having a demanding job, we meet up to 3 weekends a month. He doesn't want to be away from me and makes trips that's out of his way at times just to be able to be with me for a few hours. He doesn't just say 'let's take one day at a time', he makes plans for the future and includes me in it. Whenever he has time off or a holiday all he wants is to spend that time with me.

For the first time in my life I know how it feels to have someone who loves me so wholeheartedly, I know he would do anything for me. Although it was tough to leave my previous relationship I'm glad I did it because it opened up the possibility of being with someone else who really appreciates having me in his life.
I truly hope that this is how you feel in your relationship with K. I've never been happier and I want for you and everyone else to have that too. Don't
shortchange yourself and settle for anything less.
Sorry or the lengthy post but now I've said my peace.
Lycka till med allt, Ellinor.